tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC November 27, 2012 12:00am-1:05am PST
with cleto and the cletones. and now, all i know is, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you very much. thank you for being here tonight. i hope you had a nice thanksgiving weekend. thanksgiving is the day we get together to give thanks for all we have, but most of all, it's about going home to your family and doing dirty things in your childhood bed. it's fun to travel on thanksgiving. a lot of fun. we came home yesterday. the lady at the gate at the st.
louis airport wouldn't let us carry on our carry-on bag even though we did it in 80 flights in a row, but that didn't faze here, don't worry bags last, come out first, your bags will wait for you by the time you i get off the plane. as in that has ever happened. to anyone. what did do you for -- guillermo calls it gracias giving. >> guillermo: my mom cooked chicken. >> jimmy: your mother cooked chicken? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: in the past you went to the fast food place and bought chicken. why did you make chick then year, your mom? >> guillermo: we went to chinatown and bought two chickens and took it in the oven. >> jimmy: were the chick ens cooked when you bought them? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: why did you go to chinatown to get chickens? >> guillermo: they told us they taste better over there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who told you this? >> guillermo: the neighbors. >> jimmy: the neighbors.
[ laughter ] why don't you have turkey on thanksgiving? >> guillermo: i don't like turkey. it's too dry. >> jimmy: too dry? okay. did you drink it all? i heard you didn't drink on thanksgiving. why? >> >> guillermo: had the whole family v to behave. >> jimmy: you frent -- it's all women, your mother-in-law, your mother, your wife. >> guillermo: my aunt, grandma. >> jimmy: you're pretending you don't drink. >> guillermo: i'm a good boy. >> jimmy: guillermo is particularly scared of his mother-in-law. say it's my house and rule number one, we imbibo mucho on thanksgiving. >> guillermo: i'll try. >> jimmy: he won't try. i promise you. we smoked a turkey. if you still have leftover turkey, take a little meat off the bones and put it in tupperware or ziploc, get the air out, put it in the fridge, wait two weeks and go in the fridge, find it and throw it in
the garbage. i do it every year and it's so simple. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. by the way, you think the native americans and pilgrims sat around a table eating peacefully and eating? i don't buy it. we can't even do it with our families, no way people with loincloths sat with people with buckles on their hats. the holiday i believe in, truly american holiday is black friday on black thursday, even. i think they figured on the real reason women are lining up to shop after thanksgiving dinner is over, to get out of doing the dishes. yams make a big mess. record 247 million people took advantage of black friday sale this is year, that's everybody, isn't it? didn't shop but i do try to be part of black friday. i stand at the entrance to the store handing out cups of water to people running by.
[ laughter ] some people camped out for days to get into the sales. they go in with a plan, mapped out every part of the store, they've got a checklist. it's like a hostage rescue situation, instead of hostages, rescuing waffle irons and liz claiborne sweaters. a number of injuries and violent crimes. a guy in a mall in san antonio pulled a gun and walmart in florida, two people shot over a parking space. you see people were really getting into the spirit of the holiday. fortunately, much of the spirit was caught on tape. ♪ [ screaming ] ♪
>> get the [ bleep ] out, i'll stab one of you [ bleep ]! >> jimmy: great. i don't want to give anyone bad ideas but could you imagine what would happen if apple would release a new iphone on black friday? everybody in america would be dead. where do people to learn fight like animals over a carcass at these sales? i finally figured it out. i blame the pinata for this behavior.
[ cheers and applause ] no wonder we beat them. they're turning our children into monsters, time to cut them down. the patriots played the jets on thanksgiving day. before the game, members of the new york and new jersey state national guard during the national anthem had a large american flag on the field. they were shaking the field up and down. you be the judge of whether or not this was un-american activity. ♪ whose broad stripes and bright st stars ♪ >> jimmy: children singing. not the time or place. that's all. some fun guests on the show for you tonight. soundgarden is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] released their first album in 16 years and word is they're getting along well enough, should make it on the air
tonight. also tonight, two of the best looking people on fox network, erin andrews and ryan seacrest are here with us. ryan is here to promote dick clark's new year's rockin' eve with ryan seacrest and probably to take all of our jobs, too. kind of crazy, for those you watch "two and a half men" angus t. jones played the half man, jake on the show. he made a video for a religious group in which he denounces his own show. >> jake from "two and a half men" means nothing. he is nonexistent character. he's -- "if you watch "two and half men" please stop watching it. i'm on it, please stop watching. stop filling your head with filth. please. it's -- you know, people say
it's just entertainment. the fact that it's entertainment, it's -- do some research on the effects of television and your brain and i promise you you'll have a decision to make when it comes to television and especially with what you watch on television. it's bad news. >> jimmy: how uncomfortable is the guy sitting next to him? [ laughter ] what happens to the actors on this show? what is about jon cryer that makes them go nuts? he's the common denominator, right? [ applause ] thank you. he might be right, though about television. the somewhat anticipated lifetime original movie "liz & dick" starring lindsay lohan premiered last night. i haven't been hearing great things. they say the only way this movie could have been worse if it was
called "liz & andy dick." critics have not been kind. it's nice seeing her reviewed by critics instead of a parole board. getting tirl reviews they turned lemons into lemonade. >> critics agree, it's the best worst movie of the year. the hollywood reporter calls it spectacularly bad. instant classic of unintentiona movies like this. it was very bad. just as you knew it would be. it's so terrible, you'll need to ice your face when it's over. "liz & dick" so bad you'll have to see it to believe it. >> i'm bored! i'm so bored! >> encore presentation this saturday, only on lifetime.
[ applause ] >> jimmy: kracongratulations. she's back. justin bieber received an honor in his home nation of canada on friday. canadian prime minister stephen harper present him with a diamond jubilee medal, i guess is a big deal. this what is justin wore to receive that diamond jubilee med medal. if youoveralls button both straps. why these might be an embarrassment to bieber, it's an amazing windfall for oshkosh b'gosh. no longer does he have the record for most-watched video on youtube. gangnam style has surpassed justin bieber's "baby baby baby baby baby baby baby." maybe psy gets to date selena gomez. the video "baby baby" watched 5 million, gangnam, 830 million.
i think that comes from people rewatching to figure what the hell is going on. speaking of trying to figure what the hell is going on, r. kelly premiered chapters of his hip-hop "trapped in the closet" on ifc. if you haven't seen it, it's an ongoing musical, r. kelly plays all of the singing parts. he's the tyler per riff mury of drama. a lot of great moments but this is my favorite. siylvester played by r. kelly, goes backstage to meet a mobster played by r. kelly. if you like music and or r&b musicals you will be completely confused. ♪ they walk in and then they make a left ♪ ♪ and then a right
♪ and now down there and [ bleep ] ♪ ♪ now we poppin' ♪ then they make another left and another left ♪ ♪ then up the stairs ♪ third floor ♪ elevator >> jimmy: this is how he writes songs. make a left. and then another left. go down the stairs. and make a left. and then another left. do we even need to have the grammy this is year? i think we have the winner already. congratulations to r. this is good, too, this is -- they premiered a new show "killer karaoke" on tru tv on friday, a singing competition, the people have to sing karaoke,
an e maim-mail address and cred card, you're probably this is cyber monday. basically black friday for people too lazy to put on pants. biggest online shopping day and least productive working day. predicted sales estimated $1.5 billion, good news for economics. topped, all-time sales record this is week, tomorrow's big sales event is now even more highly anticipated than ever. >> black friday and cyber monday we slashed prices to the bone. now, get ready for regular price tuesday! every item in our store back to its full, original retail price. toshiba tv, yesterday $299, now $900. l lego battle, back up to 89.99. looking for a great deal on xbox? you lost. regular price tuesday.
you had your chance. fatso. >> jimmy: that was unnecessary. we have a good show for you tonight. from fox sports, erin andrews is here. we have music from soundgarden. and we'll be right back with ryan seacrest. so stick around. ♪ how advanced is the new ford fusion? well...it has outstanding performance and handling... ...and it offers a plug-in hybrid that gets a projected 100 mpge. of course, there's still one thing it can't do. introducing the entirely new ford fusion. it's an entirely new idea of what a car can be.
here is how you know it's a big deal. the goodyear blimp is here to cover it. they'll cover it from the sky. i know you're laughing but it's not a joke. by reba mcentire, mike tyson, what a combination that will be. the winners of "dancing with the stars" will be with us and music from future. join us for that. while you were enjoying a relaxing holiday with your family, our first guest was busy producing 14 tv shows, 9 radio shows, hosting 11 black friday events and carving 3 dozen turkeys which he also turned into a tv show. you can drunkenly count the year down with him on december 31, when he hosts "dick clark's new year's rockin' eve with ryan seacrest" here on abc. please say hello to ryan seacrest. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: how you doing? >> yeah. it's a great reality show idea. the carving of the turkey. >> jimmy: i'd like to see you doing any mundane thing, televised. have you ever thought about pitching the most mundane, minuscule thing just to see what they would buy from you? >> i just did that this morning. >> jimmy: was it the "kardashians." >> no, that was a phenomenon. >> jimmy: you haven't apologized to america for that yet. i think you owe us. >> they're a blessing. you know i'm very close to them. >> jimmy: a blessing to you, for sure. >> so many ways. >> jimmy: thafrmgs nks to them k you purchased a small country. >> they are today's "brady bunch." >> jimmy: then it's time to wrap things up, i think. let's go through your day. you know i'm fascinated by this. i ask you this every time i see you, today, for instance. you got up to do the radio show.
>> yes. this morning was tough getting up, off the holiday weekend and having a bit of time to sleep until the sun comes up but got up and did the radio show this morning. >> jimmy: what time do you get in there it. >> 6:00. i wake up in the 5:00s and push as late as i can. and lean in the shower and think i'm not a morning person. i get there and i'm fine. i quick coffee for 72 days but i'm back on the coffee. >> jimmy: somebody's on a yawn ward spiral. >> yeah. so we did the radio show. after that i go to the production company in the same building upstairs and try to come up with mundane ideas and from there, came over here this afternoon and sat with your team. >> jimmy: we shot something with you. we'll air for the new year. >> and here we are. >> jimmy: that's an easy day for you. not too bad at all. you didn't have a shift at j jambah juice or anything like that that did you? >> i'm not opposed.
>> jimmy: you're heeosten on ab the new year's special, fox on "american idol" and nbc with "the today show." you're on the major networks. >> rhyi'm trying to get cbs. >> jimmy: they should let you do something to complete the sweep. >> they want no part of me on the air. they got probst. >> jimmy: there is nothing else of you to put on the air. >> my size you're right. >> jimmy: what did do you for thanksgiving? >> we split it between the two families. >> jimmy: you and your girlfriend julieanne hough. >> my parents, conservative event. went to nashville, her sister's house, deck it out and do it all up and 17 kids and there is brothers and sisters and two ball mastiffs and five mirror
ball trophies. it's completely different. a lot of movement and glitter. >> jimmy: some photographs you sent us. where are you here? >> well, i'm clearly trying to figure -- >> jimmy: that's julieann. >> that's her little niece. i was at the kids' table to entertain them before the meal started. >> jimmy: raiding the kitchen. >> my job is official taster. licking icing beforehand. >> jimmy: here you are. what's going on there? new one. >> that's my move. >> jimmy: is that the seacrest foot i've heard so much about? one part of you cbs has -- [ laughter ] >> we decided it's a good idea to try and run a deficit of calories, burn before you ingest so many. so we decided to get on the bike. >> jimmy: you are unbelievable.
never start working. thanksgiving you have to work your body. >> we shot that. air later. the shoe got stuck, about an hour she was trying to get it off me. >> jimmy: she tweeted this photograph. this is you and a traditional american thanksgiving. you and some of the guys gathered around the smallest television anyone has ever -- what's happening there? >> true story. it was, first game of the day and the satellite provider, the actual, just that channel, went out just before they went into the first overtime. >> jimmy: oh, you had to -- >> we had to gather around the computer and watch it. >> jimmy: you like sports or are you just pretending so the guys won't give you wedgies? why aren't i hosting this? what's going on here? [ cheers and applause ] just trying to fit in. >> jimmy: when does "american idol" come back?
>> january. >> jimmy: that's when things get busy for you. >> live shows in the late afternoon. >> jimmy: seems like they're trying to create as many problems as possible to get people interested in this show. >> what have you heard? >> >> jimmy: i know that nicki minaj had the thing with mariah carey and then she lashed out at steven tyler, not even on the show now. what's it about with her? >> it's all about the talent and kids on the show and very interesting auditions this year. with the judges -- i will say this. i don't -- they're really great at giving their opinion. you have mariah and keith urban and randy jackson, and nicki minaj and fantastic filtering to the kids. >> jimmy: they hate each other. is nicki crazy?
are you scared of her? >> i'm not. i love her fashion. i love the shoes. she is a very, very good -- people will be impressed with how good she is at being a judge on the show. i know you watch -- >> jimmy: who do you think is the worst judge in the history of "american idol"? [ laughter ] >> how the hell am i supposed to answer that question? >> jimmy: judy? >> yes. >> jimmy: you'd rather not say? do you have somebody in mind? maybe we can focus and read your mind. >> the person, has tight black t-shirt and acid washed jeans. that's my answer. >> jimmy: do you keep in touch? >> we do speak, he's very busy with his show on the same network. and he, this was -- he came up with this stuff with simon mullmull
-- fuller at the beginning. >> jimmy: do you think "american idol" is the biggest show in the history of television? >> that would be humble if i said yes. >> jimmy: i think it kind of is, there were shows with more viewers in the old days in the '50s, but not in this kind of environment where there are so many people watching television. i think it is. >> well, when we were starting up that show and its peak, 35 million people are watching on one night and coming back to see the results, i think it transform the television and music business simultaneously for the first time. >> jimmy: if nicky minaj beats the life out of you on the air, this will be back to maybe 100 million viewers. >> you know me, anything for the show. >> jimmy: you'll do whatever -- >> i'm happy to be beaten up. >> jimmy: you'll fight the judges if need be. >> whatever it takes. >> jimmy: that's ryan seacrest for you. we'll come back and talk about the 12 other shows.
[ gwen ] i used to sleep on the tour bus between shows. but that doesn't happen much anymore. the creative process never stops. and songwriting is so hard, but i love it. these days, i guess i just don't want to miss a thing. [ laughs ] i miss you guys. that's me. and this is my windows phone. [ male announcer ] new windows phone. reinvented around you. ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome back. ryan seacrest is with us. erin andrews and soundgarden are on the way. how long you have been doing new year's rockin' eve? what is the title? >> "dick clark's new year's rockin' eve with ryan seacrest." >> jimmy: it has to be shortened. when you pass away, god forbid, will they keep you in it two "dick clark's new year's rockin' eve with ryan skraest hoeacrest
mario lopez v?" where does this end? do you enjoy doing that? is it fun? >> i do love it, e i was this kid i was watching these live event shows and shows that dick clark did and i wanted to do be in the audience, if you will, in the crowd, to get the opportunity to work with him and then, this year will be bittersweet, obviously the first time he hasn't been there. i've never done it by myself on abc and he takes midnight and counts us down to the happy new year. >> jimmy: an american institution, for sure. that will be strange. >> i'm not quite sure. >> jimmy: i think you'll by good. you're filling three hours with watching a ball slowly go down. >> such an art. >> jimmy: it is an art. >> i have no experience with balls crop i s dropping, no mat you're thinking right now. >> jimmy: give it time. who are the performers?
>> taylor swift, she'll be performing live. carly rae jepsen, pit bull, neion trees. ferc fergie on the west coast. each artist that has come said this is one of the greatest moments their career, nothing like being in times square at that moment at midnight. >> jimmy: seems like a nightmare, like the worst moment, everybody's freezing, ball coming down. how the hell will we get out of here? but i have -- i look at things negatively. >> you are a bit cynical. i think you would find it charming. >> jimmy: you do? >> do i. >> jimmy: maybe i'll stop by. >> you're welcome to come. if you're looking for a kiss at midnight, flo rida and taylor and i will be there. >> jimmy: ryan seacrest, everybody, "dick clark's new year's rockin'
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letters on them combined, she is the host of "fox college saturday." please say hello to erin andrews. [ applause ] >> always a big conversation about how to sit down on your show. i did a five-minute tutorial. >> jimmy: what railroad the rules? >> the bads new is when you look at photos of cameron diaz, i don't have those legs but that's okay. >> jimmy: you're doing all right for yourself. >> i love you. you look great, by the way. you like shrink every time i see you, weight-wise. >> jimmy: eventually i'll be four feet tall. you were at espn and then you got a job at fox, not only college football show, you are doing fox nfl sunday. >> right. >> jimmy: baseball, sports they don't even carry on the network. you're like the ryan seacrest of
fox sports. >> yes. terry bradshaw is my nicki minaj. who would be my mariah carey? jimmy johnson with the hair? >> jimmy: i work tld. i worked with howie long and james brown -- how are you getting along? >> i'm the only female. michael strahan is on, jimmy johnson. i have a blast. >> jimmy: i worked with jimmy at the end. some did not like me. >> i heard that. >> jimmy: and hated me. >> i think that's false. >> jimmy: no, that is not false. >> say the one you think hates you. >> jimmy: i know howie long. >> i disagree. >> jimmy: first how -- >> is there anyone better than kwl howie long? i find him magical. he loves his wife, he's so proud of his kids. >> jimmy: so handsome, he's got a head like a horse and a neck
like a -- he's a beautiful man. no question about it. >> but he's such a family man. >> jimmy: nothing on the inside. a football where a brain should be. >> not so. >> jimmy: don't let the glasses fool you. there is nothing going on in there. >> no wonder he hates you. >> jimmy: that's probably why. >> but terry's fabulous and he's great and we give him a hard time. i'm the new kid on the block, trying hosting for the first time. it's been a different change for me and so terry's the encouraging one. they all are, send me great text messages. >> jimmy: what text messages? >> they're great. >> jimmy: terry -- >> i wore a yellow dress, one time, yellow is your color, your hair looks so lighter. the guys have been killing him ever since. >> jimmy: he knows a lot about hair. he used to do commercials for
toupees and super cuts. >> we use the same set. i get a text saying terry's using your mirror but not the same reflection. he's obsessed with fake eyelashes. >> jimmy: he is? >> he doesn't wear them. i put a picture on twitter. he's watching me and he's like, wow, that blows my mind! it's glue and a fake eyelash. >> jimmy: put hair, fur on to your eyelids. >> does it look like fur? >> jimmy: it's some kind of hair? like from children in other countries? >> i hope not. >> jimmy: please be care wonderful terry bradshaw. i happen to like terry a lot. but he's truly the craziest person on air person i've ever worked with. >>y? >> jimmy: because he's crazy. and you will get to know this.
have you traveled with the gang? >> not yet. we're going for playoffs. work sidelines for the playoffs. >> jimmy: be very, very careful. he'll drag you to his cave and you'll never be seen again. [ laughter ] >> that would be a fun cave. >> jimmy: he's more monkey than man. he's more chimpanzee. >> i love him. >> jimmy: i love him too, but stay away from him. >> i need an example why. i know you have a story that's clean enough to share. >> jimmy: i don't. i have stories i can tell you after this is over, crazy stories. >> i love him. i love when i -- when he comes on your show he's just in a golf shirt and jeans. this took effort today, strahan helped me pick this dress out. >> jimmy: did he really? >> i saw terry come back and i was like, did you wear that on air? >> jimmy: if it was up to him he would be naked and flinging poop at the audience. >> he's going to be so mad you're saying that. you love him though.
>> jimmy: i'd say it right to him. he knows he's an animal. >> flinging what on people? >> jimmy: sounds weird. strahan picking out outfits for you, howie watching you in the merer? >> no, not howie. >> jimmy: putting your eyelashes on. sounds like a dangerous situation. >> i shook it up a little bit. not doing the weather like jillian used do. >> jimmy: not doing the weather. >> just doing featuring. >> jimmy: you're enjoying that? >> yes. and just did thanksgiving. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> missed out on that. we didn't have thanksgiving dinner, hot dog and half time. that was fine. everybody went to the house for the thanksgiving feast, the crew, we had to be back because we had college football on friday. >> jimmy: i guess that can be okay, you don't have to go to thanksgiving. >> it's all right. i missed my parents. i missed my family. >> jimmy: i miss your sister,
too. we all miss your sister. why didn't you bring her? >> i should have brought her. she was working tonight. >> jimmy: she could dance around while we do the show. have you been watching "dancing with the stars"? >> a bit, max and kirstie are out. i'm voting for his brother. we'll see what happens. >> jimmy: are you really voting? >> i texted maybe. couple of times. i got a text from maks, he's like i need your help, get val some votes. >> jimmy: you need goat rto getf your cell phone, you got a lot of weirdos texting you. kwl howie, terry, maks, god knows who else. be careful. congratulations. you're doing a great job. you fit in well. they don't really miss me. erin andrews,
and we're diving ♪ ♪ and we're diving ♪ my crooked steps ♪ ♪ right behind you right behind you my crooked steps right behind you ♪ my crooked steps right behind you right behind you ♪ ♪ my crooked steps right behind you right behind you i'm a walking believer ♪ ♪ i'm a ghost and a healer can't you see that i understand your mind can't you see that ♪
♪ i understand your mind ♪ my crooked steps right behind you ♪ my crooked steps right behind you right behind you right behind you ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you! >> jimmy: i want to thank ryan seacrest, erin andrews. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. tomorrow night, reba mcintyre, mike tyson and the winner of "dancing with the stars." and music from future. their album "king animal" is out now. playing us off the air with the song "been away too long" see